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August 4, 2012 / hippiechickamblings

Blame Eve

Anglo-Catalan Psalter or The Great Canterbury ...

My grandmother (“Maw”) was a God-fearing woman all her life. Holding a world view in which human nature can be explained in terms of a Supreme Being can simplify things considerably. Or, can it? During many hours spent with Maw while we crocheted together, I learned that life, as she saw it, was simply a matter of staying on one side of the fence: the right side. But, first you had to find the fence. A perfect example was a conversation I remember which started with a news story about a man suspected of killing his wife.

Maw: It was all Eve’s fault, anyway. She makes me mad every time I think of her.

Me: Eve? I thought the news said that woman’s name was Shannon.

Maw: No, I’m talking about Eve…you know…Eve…way back there.

Me: Eve Wayback? Never heard of her.

Maw: Uh, Brother. Do you do that on purpose? I’m talking about EVE! From the Bible!

Me: What about her? What’s she got to do with that guy killing his wife?

Maw: Everything! Wouldn’t be no bad people doing bad things if she hadn’t done what she did! There she was, had a fine man, no worries, no dirty dishes, and what does she do? Goes and ruins it!

Me: So you think everything that’s bad in the world is Eve’s fault?

Maw: Sure it is! It’s right there in the Bible! She had everything a woman could want, but evidently that wasn’t enough for Miss Eve! She had to have a bite of that apple!

Me: Bible doesn’t say it was an apple, Maw. Just says it was fruit.

English: Adam and Eve Driven From Paradise, c....

English: Adam and Eve Driven From Paradise, c. 1896-1902, by James Jacques Joseph Tissot (French, 1836-1902), gouache on board, 8 7/8 x 12 7/16 in. (22.6 x 31.7 cm), at the Jewish Museum, New York (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maw: I don’t care if it was one of them fancy fruits nobody can afford! She had no business eating it when she was told not to!

Me: Well, God gave her free will. Maybe she looked at that fruit and decided it looked better than Adam. Besides, he wasn’t some innocent bystander, you know. He took a bite, too.

Maw: Because she talked him into it! Evil woman! It was all her fault!

Me: So, what do you think would’ve happened if Eve hadn’t messed up?

Maw: Why, I reckon they would’ve just run around nekkid, in Paradise, eating garden stuff without having to plow it first…living forever.

Me: Yeah, I suppose that would be the life. Unless they ran out of things to talk about.

Maw: Oh, I’m sure they’d find enough to talk about…and it would all be happy stuff…nothing sad. You ever wonder what she looked like?

Me: Eve? I would imagine she must’ve been more beautiful than we can imagine. Being made especially for Adam, by God, and all that.

Maw: I’m not too sure about that.

Me: You don’t believe that God made Eve?

Maw: Oh, I know He did. I’m talking about the “beautiful “part.

Me: Surely you’re not saying you think Eve was ugly.

Maw: Well, we don’t know, now do we? Weren’t nobody around to say what was purty and what wasn’t. How was Adam supposed to know what was purty? He hadn’t never seen a woman.

Me: Well, I don’t think…

Maw: (Interrupting): For all we know, she could’ve been uglier than a dog’s hind end. It ain’t like she had to be purty to keep him happy. After being around elephants and zebras and stuff, any woman was bound to look good to him.

Me: You don’t believe a word of that.

Maw: I’ll tell you something else. I don’t think Adam was all that smart.

Me: So you think Eve was ugly and Adam was stupid?

Maw: Not stupid. Just not all that bright. He couldn’t have been too sharp and let her talk him into eating that fancy fruit.

Me: Well, it didn’t turn out all bad. They still lived to be hundreds of years old, and probably had hundreds of children.

Maw: Yeah, and thanks to Eve, it hurt to have babies after that! Can you imagine giving birth back then, with no clean beds or hot water or anything? And no scissors!

Me: Scissors?

Maw: To cut the cord! How you reckon they cut the cord for all them babies without scissors or a knife?

Me: Probably used a rock.

Maw: You really think Eve had HUNDREDS of children? Ain’t no woman could do that!

Me: It’s possible. The environment was probably a lot different…no cancer or heart disease…so, they lived so much longer, they could’ve had children up into their hundreds.

Maw: Get away from here!

Me: Yeah, I think so. After all, God did tell them to be fruitful and multiply.

Maw: Lord have mercy! Ain’t no way I’d let some 400 year-old man crawl in bed with me.

Me: Well if you were 400 years old yourself, he’d probably look pretty good to you.

Maw: Not with a hundred young’uns to take care of, he wouldn’t! I’d be too tired. I’d go upside his head with one of them cord-cutter rocks!

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