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June 2, 2012 / hippiechickamblings

A Documented Case of Can’t Fix Stupid

Although most news stories fall into one of two catagories of (a): Depressing, or (b):Depressing AND Disgusting, once in a while you run across a select few that defies all efforts at grouping. These belong in that no-man’s land of articles, the Makes-Me-Want-To-Gouge-My-Eyeballs-Out-With-A-Spoon-And-Move-In-With-An-Undiscovered-Pygmy-Tribe catagory.

One, in particular, fits this catagory like a glove. I know you’ve heard it. If not, you’ve already beaten me to the punch and must be now living  with a newly-found Pygmy tribe, in which case, you won’t be reading this anyway.

How many times have you been subjected to seeing this face when you turn on the t.v.? Though it galls me to give her even five more minutes in any spot light, I feel it necessary to include her mug here, in the hopes that common sense may be embraced. Also, I was overcome with an irresistible impulse. In a court of law that can beat a murder rap, in case you didn’t know. As I have no desire to personalize this woman, and since everybody but the Pygmies knows her name already, I’ll just refer to her as the Clueless Tanning Bed Psycho Mom.

Naturally, she denies the child endangerment charges brought against her by the state of New Jersey, so I won’t beat that dead horse. Her brilliant defense revolves around the claim that someone who’s fat and unattractive and jealous, ratted her out. Really? So, the premise here, is that someone has it in for her because of her stellar beauty and fine figure, and the only outlet for all this envy is a call to social services. Well, that explains everything! I can only imagine the mental anguish I would feel at having to endure this gorgeous creature in my neighborhood. Without a doubt, I, too, would be distraught at not being blessed with the face that launched a thousand ships and looks like the bad end of a burnt meatloaf. Again, I say, really?

Sad to say, but I actually wasted about ten minutes of my life trying to make sense of Clueless Tanning Bed Psycho Mom. She claims that the sunburn her first grader suffered was due to playing outside, rather than sharing Mom’s tanning booth. Let’s see, tanning sessions are anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes each. Does that mean this kid was left to wait in the shop all that time while Mom tanned? When my daughter was six years old, five minutes alone was enough time for her to burn down the house and instigate world domination. One look at mom is enough to calculate that she’s spent the equivalent of fifteen dog years in that tanning booth. So, who’s watching daughter? Who’s RAISING daughter?

The big question, of course, which I wasted another three minutes on, is why does she do it? Did she suddenly decide that Nutella was her preferred make-up, but wanted to avoid having her face eaten off by fire ants? Was she secretly working to overthrow Max Factor, designing new, edgy shades of foundation, like Daring Dog Poo, and decided to use the tanning salon as her lab? Or, is she the victim of childhood trauma, suffering from a poor self-image and crying out for attention?

Some of the experts have it all figured out. She has tanerexia. She’s addicted to tanning. Well, of course she is! I knew that! She’s part of that new breed of designer addictions that keep popping up, like the woman who can’t stop eating dirt, or the guy who can’t get enough of scraping hair out of tub drains. She just needs to get into Tanners Anonymous, and in the meantime, she can’t be held responsible for any damage incurred.

It’s true that sometimes a person honestly can’t be held responsible for a bad outcome, and before I’m horribly misunderstood, let me say that I have no judgement or prejudice against people who tan. I’ve done it myself. After all, I lived in the Bible belt where girls who aren’t tanned and can’t fry chicken are believed to be doomed to spinster-hood. So, yes, my friends and I roasted ourselves in bikinis, on rooftops, slathered in baby oil and iodine, string ties undone, to avoid those hideous tan lines. This was BEFORE tanning beds, when getting that bronzed goddess look was subject to the whims of mother nature, and the sun’s ultra-violet light didn’t have the power  of a small ray gun. Times were different, and we were ignorant. Nobody grasped the dangers of 2nd degree burns, the alteration of DNA, or the horrors of melanoma.

Most of us had no idea that tanning is nothing more than a built-in defense mechanism designed to protect us from becoming human barbecue. You always hear people say, ” Oh, you look so tanned and healthy!” How ironic that the opposite is true, and a tan means that your skin cells are working overtime to produce melanin as a shield against cell destruction. But, alas, times were more innocent, and most girls sun bathed in preparation for prom or a school dance. It wasn’t pursued with the diligence of a shaaman initiate on a vision quest. We were simply ignorant of the facts.

Clueless Tanning Bed Psycho Mom has all the necessary info at hand about tanning, what it means, and what it can do. She can’t claim ignorance on that score. What about tanerexia? Is she a victim of her addiction and therefore not responsible for her daughter’s burn? Or…is it just remotely possible that she’s too self-absorbed, self-centered, vain, and lazy to be concerned with anything but feeding her ego, including the safety and supervision of her baby? Addiction? I’m not buying it. I think Clueless Tanning Bed Psycho Mom simply offers us another tally mark for Ron White’s observation’s on life. You can’t fix Stupid.


Leave a Comment
  1. Wonnie / Jun 8 2012 5:12 am

    Because life is sometimes stressful and more than a bit uncertain there are times when feeling like your head could explode right off your shoulders because your blood pressure rising does happen. I have to tell you that if laughter really is the best medicine (and I do believe there might be some truth in that).in your blog you may just have found the cure to every medical problem known to man. Keep up the great work Hippie Chick, and you MAY even be able to help Krispy Kritter Mom with her issues. After all miracles can happen.

    • hippiechickamblings / Jun 8 2012 7:39 am

      I’m so glad you could find some hope for mankind in reading about this gorgeous creature and her troubles, brought on by sheer jealousy over her stunning good looks. Some people just seem to lure envy. Poor woman. Thank you so much for your time and comment. It is appreciated more than you know. In the meantime, we can only hope this woman decides, for the sake of sanity, to tone down her beauty.

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